Three months ago..

I’ve been so incredibly busy between doctor appointments and trying to get my life back together this week that I actually forgot to post. Whoops. 

Today I did something I always swore I’d never do; I cut my hair past my chest. That’s a good inch or two. It doesn’t sound like that much but for me who was someone who hid behind her long hair, and someone who struggled with self care for the past month, that’s a really big deal. 

It also served as a good distraction. Today three months ago, someone I loved very much and still do love asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I promised myself I wasn’t going to talk about him that much on my blog, because it’s embarrassing for both of us; I don’t want to look like a crazy ex girlfriend and I really doubt he wants to read about it. But today was a lot more painful than I thought it would be. I’ll admit I’ve been hugging the jacket he left here pretty tight. I’ve been trying hard to find other people to hang out with today with little success, so it’s been eating up my thoughts. I guess I just miss him a lot. 

For me I guess I’ve never been in love like that before. I don’t know what it’s like to have to get other someone I’ve geuinely considered spending a long time with. Tomorrow will be hard too, because it will have been a month we’ve been broken up, I suppose.. This hurts a lot. 

Wish me luck..

Why being on medication as a student so far SUCKS.

So it’s day #3 on an anti depressant and and anti anxiety medication. And let me tell you, if anyone tells you medication for your mental illness is sunshine and rainbows as soon as you get on it they’re wrong. My long term memory is mostly back (except for some trauma and bad parts which are being “blanketed” according to my doctor, so I can stop being so anxious) but my short term memory sucks. The pharmiscist I spoke to basically told me there’s no point in studying and I’m beginning to believe her, because I can’t remember or absorb a thing. 

My memory is one thing. My balance is completely thrown off. I’m clumsy to begin with but the pamphlet that came with my anti anxieties mentioned that my balance may be affected. I didn’t think much of it, until I literally fell into my bedroom door this morning. This’ll be fun at work where I’m literally surrounded by glass objects and have to climb step ladders to reach heavy boxes..

On top of that, I just fell asleep in class for the first time side grade 12 and I’m so embarrassed. I’m hoping these side effects wear off soon, fortunately it’s only been prescribed to me until my anti-depressants start working. 

So what I’m trying to say is, don’t be one of those people that go on medication for no reason. I have no choice, so I’m so badly off that I have to see a youth worker in a couple weeks to get a second assessment and then she’ll probably recommend me to a psychologist after that. Go to a counsellor or talk to a crisis line if you need help. Medication won’t solve all your problems, especially if you don’t really need it! There are better ways to solve a conflict that is getting you down. 

Stay safe everybody! ☺️

Makeup: and why it’s so freakishly important to me.

I will admit it; I am, my friends, a makeup addict. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people tell me I look better natural. Not that I don’t think I’m a cute kid, it’s just I spend so much time on my makeup that it’s kind of let down. And we won’t even talk about my Sephora bills.. 

  
You see, my friends, I find makeup to be therapeutic. I could be having the worst of days and it could be solved with the swipe of a beauty blender. I struggle with depression which if you read my last post, you know about. It’s very comforting to know that I can use a product to put on a brave face, or even look like a totally different girl. I guess I feel “glued” together wearing cosmetics, and I am constantly stressing about the way I look if I’m not wearing something. Around my family and particular people obviously I don’t mind goijgn barefaced, but throughout the day in the public, makeup gives me something to hide my insecurities behind – like my freckles, for example. I hate my freckles. 

I was a lot older than most girls when I started actually caring about makeup. Throughout high school I wore the minimal stuff – mascara, and maybe some eyeshadow. I had a hard time waking up for school and never had time to learn how to properly use it. I was a pretty awkward kid and wasn’t good at blending in with other girls. 

Now, come college – I was 18, and was becoming very frustrated with not looking as old as my peers. I have huge dimples that make me look about 12. So I waltzed into my local Sephora and got myself a new foundation and my first liquid eyeliner. I was armed – and how no idea how I was supposed to to use it. 

  
Don’t worry- I learned in time that bottom lid liner wasn’t my best look. 

From then, though. I was hooked. I find it to be an art. Sometimes I will do my makeup because it’s routine in a very roller coaster world, it calms me and is good for my anxiety. So the next time you go to ask a girl why she wears so much makeup or tell her she looks better natural, stop and think: maybe she wears make up for her and because she enjoys it! Not because she wants to impress someone else! 😉

  
As you can see, I got a lot better, and I feel like a lot more confident here!

Anyways, moral of the story – wear as much makeup as your freaking want! 

  

Libre – the French Word for “Free”

So for those of you who don’t know.. I’m Kim. I’m 20 years old, and I live in a horse town outside of Vancouver. I’m a political science student, and I work in the liquor industry. My life is pretty ordinary. I live in the suburbs and have a couple good friends but over the past year, my life has changed drastically. 

Today, I had a counselling session and my mom told me and the counsellor (I’m not a chatty person and didn’t do a lot of talking, despite the fact that the counselling session was booked for me.. Woops.) that I’m a good writer, so I thought I’d take it upon myself to write a blog. I’m not sure anyone will ever read what I post but I figure it wouldn’t hurt to put it out in the air. 

I named this blog “Libre” because that’s the French word for free. For the past year or so, my life has been me trying to free myself from my own head. Last year I had a stalker. He or she harassed me through a website called ask.fm. They made up lies about my friends and myself, tricking me into thinking I was a terrible, dirty slut for the people I chose to hang out with. This person managed to get my brothers phone number and harass him, threatening mine and my family’s safety.. All in all, it made me lose my mind. 

Things got better once a police case was opened, but there was always this lingering anxiety in the back of my mind. I was afraid of everyone. I used anger primarily to express myself because I was so scared of getting attached to people. I chose to drink and party to rid myself of my problems, and that’s not me at all. I always swore I would never turn to alcohol as alcoholism runs in my family. I wound up so drunk on a party bus last fall that I was actually showing symptoms of what comes with date rape. I was bed bound for three days and swore I was never gonna do that again. 

Not long after, I had a very short relationship. It ended very badly and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about so I won’t go into detail. Shortly after that though, I met someone who would very quickly become the greatest love I’ve ever known – I only remember fragments of this relationship through what I’ve been told about him from my parents, because the anxiety medication has pretty much wiped a part of my recent memory. All I have to remember him by is a pandora bracelet and a few photos that give me this incredible happy feeling, and the way he looks at me in those photos, damn. I don’t know what specifically happened but I am sure my underlying issues managed to break the relationship. 

My anxiety and addiction turned into very severe depression, which I’m just about completed the diagnoses process for. There are huge holes in memory still, but through therapy I’m hoping to overcome that and be a happy healthy person. 

This blog won’t only be a reflection on my recovery, but also a blog of things im interested in – makeup reviews, country music, animals, and other various things I’m interested in such as Full House references. I hope my first post didn’t entirely bore anybody, I’m very excited to use this as a safe space. 🙂